4. Why Faking It Causes More Harm then Happiness

Ever been told to 'fake it till you make it'? But how can you fake confidence when you're battling imposter syndrome and self-doubt? In this episode, we’ll discuss the limitations of this popular advice and learn a practical four-step alternative that will help you actually overcome imposter syndrome and finally move in the direction of your goals.

If you’d like guidance & support on your emotional wellness journey, go to https://tinabcoaching.as.me/Happiness to book your free emotional strategy session with me.

This episode was produced by The Podcast Teacher.

Transcript

So I absolutely love quotes. A lot of my teachings are through metaphors and quotes, and here's one. I don't know where I got it from. Could be from a show that I've been listening to or watching, and it just kinda stuck with me. And I just thought it was appropriate for me to share. “Ride the horse in the direction it's going.” It's kinda silly. Right? But if I really thought about it, and I'll say it again, “ride the horse in the direction it's going.” Sometimes the most simplest things can be so profound. And so this is why I ask you, where are you going? 

And what does that really mean? Where are you going? What is it that you want? Do you really get to ask yourself, or are you distracted by the things that you keep telling yourself? And when I say, where are you going? You might say, nowhere. I feel stuck. I'm stuck from where I am to where I want to be, or the things that I want to have or accomplish. I'm not reaching my goals. Or maybe it's the limiting thoughts and beliefs that you have that just become so dang cyclical over and over. So when I say where are you going or ask you, are you moving in the direction at least towards the goals? 

I want to bring up today in reference to this saying that maybe you've heard. I know I heard it so many times by mentors, Courses and programs that I was taking, whether I was working out, trainers were saying this, and I still could not wrap my head around it, and it was, and you probably have heard it yourself, it's fake it till you make it. You gotta fake it till you make it, and I thought, what the heck? How am I going to fake it till I make it when I already don't believe in myself and now I have to fake? 

The reason why I say this because when I heard this, I was coaching and I thought, okay. well, I'm going to teach my clients this. Well, that was wrong because it actually backfired on myself through my own progress and also with my clients. And I thought, no. Something's going to change. I need to change this. If this isn't effective in my own life, then I can facilitate this as well. And so I realized how much it was hindering myself and my clients. 

And something, again, I had to take control and decide what was it. It wasn't until I came up with not myself, but there were a lot of skills and things that I was still learning because I was very curious. And it was about facing it. Instead of faking it till you make it, it was about facing it till you make it, and I'm hoping that your eyes, your ears, something perks up like, you know, I never thought of that, or, yeah, face it. But, Tina, I've faced it, and I still deal with, and I'm going to bring up the word imposter syndrome. So I'm going to give you the definition of imposter syndrome. I'm going to tell you, from me, it's the lies you keep telling yourself. But the definition, the true definition is the persistent inability to believe in one success is deserved. 

I have to tell you, I still feel that. I'm not saying I don't. But now that I have steps. I have a process. It's easier for me, much easier, and I simplify this thought. Okay. This is what I feel. Is this true? And then I'm able to move through it. And this is why I'm so excited to share this today because this imposter syndrome affects everyone that I have spoken to, from moms, entrepreneurs, coaches, physicians, dads. I mean, I've talked to so many people, and they all have said, that wherever they are in their life, they face some form of imposter syndrome, not believing that they deserve to be where they are, and then which holds them back. So we normally would hear again that fake it. Well, you gotta fake it.

Here's what I'm going to share with you today, Four steps on how to face it while you're going through imposter syndrome. Or maybe you're not even going through imposter syndrome, and you just need to get to the goal. You need to find out more about yourself. Why are you feeling stuck? I'm usually going to always revert back to feeling stuck, not feeling happy or the joy, not living in the moment. You can use this simple four step process. 

I will share, though, this. When I heard “fake it till you make it,” I really thought, for me, that it was the nail in the coffin. I know it sounds a little dramatic, but I really did at the time. When you're feeling that you have all these beliefs that are so negative and that you believe are your core of who you are, like, everything that people have said to you, now became your identity, and you think you can't change, and someone's telling you to fake it. And in case my own life, I thought, That's it. I'm done. There is no way in heck that I'm going to be able to change. And that's why I really want to emphasize if you're feeling this right now, it is truly about facing it. 

So before I go into number 1, I want to tell you this, and maybe you can write this down, or maybe you should. And that is, things didn't change until… until I told myself a better lie. And you're like, what? You telling me how to lie? No. I'm sharing with you that impostor syndrome Is a lie. I said that in the beginning. What is impostor syndrome? My definition is the lies you tell yourself. So now let's tell yourself a better lie that you're going to believe to get you where you need to go. I told myself a better lie. Because the lies that I were at that moment or when I was feeling, again, imposter syndrome, I was saying, and maybe you say this to yourself, I'm not good at this. I'm not worthy of this. This is impossible. I feel trapped. I can't change. So facing it was the start. 

So number 1, The F, forward. And what do I mean by that? So I'm going to ask you might sound like a simple question. But, again, sometimes, the simple we make really hard. What do you really want? What do you really want? I'm asking you, what do you want? Do you want to have happiness? Do you want to feel better? Do you want to have this specific business or career? Are you looking to have a family? Maybe you're looking to retire. Success, to everybody, it's different. I can't tell you what success is. I want you to ask because as I said the quote in the beginning, Ride the horse in the direction it's going. I want you to stop thinking about your past. Stop thinking about the past failures. Stop thinking about the mistakes. We learn from those, but keep your eyes facing forward in the direction you want to go and not what people are telling you that you should be doing. 

I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm telling you the best guidance is to face forward as we're facing it. Remember, we're not faking this. So if you really think about it, when you face something, You're, like, head on. Like, there it is. You staring it in the face. Use that metaphor. That's the direction you're going. What's in front of you that you're resisting? Because instead of looking and focusing on what you're resisting in front of you, Switch it to what is it that you want for yourself. So when I say forward facing, It could be your health. Maybe it's, again, areas of your life, relationships, finance, and those were a few of mine in the beginning. 

I want you to be specific as well. If it's health, what? Do you want to learn how to eat better? Do you want to start working out? Do you want to go for walks? Do you want to lift weights? I don't know what that looks like, but you define. Face it. What is it? Forward facing. Your relationships. Are you looking to have better relationships, better communication, that are relationships maybe with your children, your parents, your coworkers, your boss. Write those things down. Be specific.

And like I said, mine were health, relationship, and finance. With finance, wealth, what does that look like? I had to get a better mindset on money, especially running a business, Starting to have better habits with tracking and spending and saving. I had to be really specific. So that's 1. 

Number 2, Ask,. F-A; the A is the ask. How will each make you feel? So for an example, health. How would it feel if you were specific on what it was, and how would that make you feel? What would you be able to do that you can't do right now? How will it affect the people that you love? And that was a big one for me because I took it kind of out of myself to those people around me. Because when I wasn't feeling well, those people around me knew, and they suffered from that. We all suffered, and that's not what you're here to do. So it's about the quality of questions you ask yourself when you're facing it. 

And then 3, C. F-A-C is consistency. So I'm going to share a story. I was at a conference, and John Maxwell was presenting. And he told this story in reference to and, again, I'm not going to be really good at telling you the exact stories many, many years ago, but it was he explained that there was a boy. And the goal, he knew what he needed to do, and it was to knock down a tree. And maybe you heard this. So he was told, go outside and, you know? Start chopping at the tree. And so he was doing that. Every day, he would go out and he would chop the tree. He would hit it and then be like, alright, my day. It's done, and he would go out there. But nothing was happening to the tree. That's one story. That's the 1st part. 

Here's the 2nd. I'm going to say there's an and an or for this part. He goes out, and he was told. He was told. Go out and knock down the tree. But here's what I need you to do. You only need to hit the tree 5 times in a specific target. And think about that. He goes out the first time the first scenario is he goes out and he starts just hacking at the tree 5 times. Do you think the tree fell? No. He just has all these marks all over it. You get frustrated. Or think about if he went out and swung the ax 5 times in a specific spot. Five times. That's it. At one direction, one bull's eye. Do you think the tree fell? Absolutely. 

So when I say that I love systems more than the goal, if you have a great system, you'll attain the goal. You'll reach it. It will be attainable. And that's about consistency, showing up. So if it's in reference to asking yourself in an area of what you want to work on facing it instead of faking it. You start to believe in yourself because just faking it, again, that's where the imposter syndrome comes in.

But if you follow this path of F-A-C-E, and E is as simple as every day. Because I didn't tell you the part of the story that John Maxwell said was that even if the tree didn't come down and it was Christmas or it was New Year's or it was your birthday, the boy went out and still hit the tree 5 times. He wasn't at it all day and would miss his birthday or miss Christmas. He was at it every single day. And this philosophy of F-A-C-E, this plan or path will get you closer to your goals and actually solidifies more of what you would believe in yourself, what is possible. 

So I would like to call this a 3 for today. So we talked about faking it, facing it, and imposter syndrome. There's a lot of things we covered in this episode, and I want you to remember that It's about repetition.

Well, let me go back. The mind doesn't care and won't know that you're telling yourself a lie. Meaning, it's going to believe whatever you tell it, and so that's why I shared, make it a better lie. So if your better lie that you're telling yourself is that you're facing it, but then you're following a strategy of F-A-C-E. You're bound to hit those goals. And then those beliefs, you're like solidify those beliefs about yourself. 

And I don't know about you, but this truly is something that I worked on. Repetition every day, and this is why I'm sharing that with you. If you haven't been exposed to facing it and you still are experiencing imposter syndrome in any area of your life, try this. Because I will always say in these exercises. They do work. You are able to achieve happiness in these moments when you're learning about things like this for yourself. Gain the confidence. Be a better human. 

Remember, your happiness is worth the exercise.