2. The 3 Reasons Why You're Not Achieving Happiness

Do you feel trapped in a fleeting pursuit of happiness? In today's episode, I'm sharing 3 reasons why you might continue to feel stuck here, plus 3 things that you can do right now to start exercising your happiness.

If you’d like guidance & support on your emotional wellness journey, go to https://tinabcoaching.as.me/Happiness to book your free emotional strategy session with me.

This episode was produced by The Podcast Teacher.

Transcript

Hey, welcome back! I'm your host, Tina Bernal, with Exercise Your Happiness podcast. So excited for episode 2. I'm gonna get right to it. I'm gonna talk about this specific word, happiness.

Yes. The podcast is called Exercise Your Happiness. And so in episode 1, I talked about how I wasn't feeling much happiness throughout my life, and I questioned during this journey that I should have. I went through a divorce. Now I'm remarried. Had Some infertility issues. I have 2 beautiful boys. I had a career that I was able to stay home and be with my 2 young boys, a roof over my head, and I still questioned my happiness. And it kinda set this tone to think, why do I say I'm not happy? What is this expectation of happiness? Where did it stem from? Was it, like, planted back with the way I grew up that this is the way life was supposed to be, and it didn't turn out this way. And now I know expectation is another topic in itself, so I really just wanna focus on just happiness itself. 

How many times do we go through the day And say, I'm just not happy with my results. I'm not happy today, or Happiness is just a word that's not in my vocabulary, but meanwhile, you have moments. Maybe they feel more fleeting moments, But you have these moments of happiness that you're not even aware of, that We take for granted because we're not used to feeling that much happiness, or The pendulum swings from feeling so sad to that when you do feel happiness, You already go, well, this isn't going to last. And that was me. And I realized though, and I want you to realize during this episode that it's okay. It truly is okay for you not to be happy all the time. There is pain. There's struggle. There's grief, frustration, or getting angry at something, But there also is that joy. There's moments of happiness, the pleasure, This comfort, contentment. 

And that's where the pendulum swings that we seem to be an all-or-nothing. Well, if I'm not happy, then life sucks, basically. And then those around you, if they're not happy, then I'm not gonna be happy either. I know that was me, and I talk only about personal is My emotions were wrapped up in everybody else's happiness. So if they weren't happy, then I was actually embarrassed to say that I was happy, or I felt guilty that I was Happy.

Does that resonate with you too as you're listening? If so, Stay tuned because I'm gonna break down this pursuit of happiness. And I know when I say that, I think of the movie. I think it's The Pursuit of Happyness when the actor Will Smith He's evicted from his apartment. He has you know, he's a single dad trying to make his way up this Ladder corporate ladder. I think it was law. And, you know, has an intern job that pays nothing. And the struggle. I think he was, like him and his son was they were laying in the bathroom floor. That's, like, kinda where they lived. And If you know anything about the movie and then now you look at what does happiness mean, along the way, He didn't look like he was happy. If anything, he was striving to become something that was terrifying, uncomfortable, embarrassing, especially for his young son to see. 

And with happiness within ourselves, we get so caught up in this external, almost like this outside validation or permission for others to indicate whether we should be happy, Or we get caught up in this hamster wheel of do do do do do do so I can have these things so that I can be happy. We know that's a broken system. Or if you didn't know, it truly is a broken system of doing all the things to have the things to become happy. And it wasn't until myself where I can feel I was very parallel to the story of pursuit of happiness where I was trying to be all the things for everyone and not fulfilling my own true happiness. And I wasn't living on the bathroom floor, and I didn't have that kind of despair that you see portrayed in the movie.

But I felt this despair that I didn't know who I was at this identity level. I knew what I I yearned for. I loved being with my boys. I loved being able to stay home with them and watch them grow. But at the same time, I was letting go of myself and what I wanted and how I wanted to grow and evolve. And so this pursuit of happiness, we kinda came like this mental game. So I'm gonna break out 3 things, The brain within happiness, the internal, external, and community. And I'm gonna tie it up in a bow and present it to you with the exercise.

How do you train yourself to become more happy? When you feel complacent, most would say, I feel stuck. I want to be Somewhere else in your emotions, and it becomes this almost like no traction. Like, you're running. Picture yourself running on ice, and you're not getting anywhere. And it becomes frustrating, and you lose this happiness because you're not where you expected to be, or even though you're working hard at something, you're not there yet. And in that stuck moment, we lose this idea that we're supposed to be somewhere else, and then that feeling of not being happy occurs. 

So in our brain and look back at your life, we're always looking for the next best thing. I don't know if you've ever heard the shiny object syndrome. Like, oh, this isn't working. I need to go here. Or if this isn't working, I need to do this. I need to do this. Until we find out we never finish anything, And then we become unhappy with ourselves, and it's the same thing with your brain. It looks To the next. How else can I find happiness and joy? Because I don't feel it right now. I feel very stagnant.

So I want you to think about this. Where in your life do you feel stuck? Where are you, and who do you want to become? What are some of the characteristics you need To start doing where you need to be in order to do so that you can start making that slow traction in that step From feeling maybe unhappy now to the process. Now I didn't say to get to the goal. It's in the movement. I give you the example in the 1st episode of exercise. I don't wanna exercise, but then when I get there and I start doing it, I make these shifts within my body. And then it's really hard work, and I'm like, wow. I'm So happy. I did it even though it was painful. 

It's the same thing of looking at the path of the journey. Now if I stopped working out, and I decide to shut down my TV or or walk out of the gym and go and do something else, I would be mad at myself For not finishing, and that's what we seem to do, which takes us away from our happiness. And our brain does this for a specific reason. It's like the path to least resistance. We don't wanna feel the pain. We wanna go to the pleasure. So start thinking about that in your life and why you keep saying I'm not happy. I'm struggling. Why am I stuck? Do you know where you're going? Are you in the path? Because staying in the path will bring you those surprise moments of happiness. 

I used to believe that the external world was a great predictor of happiness, Finding out that it is a terrible predictor of our happiness. It's not about what is going on on the outside, the external around you. Like, I shared That if people around me that I loved so much weren't happy, then I should not be happy, which isn't healthy. We need to feel the way we want to feel. Yes. We can be empaths or Compassionate and have empathy for people around us, but truly helping those Should bring you happiness. It doesn't mean you have to feel exactly what they're feeling. 

There's this misconception about that those we love, we are responsible for their happiness, when in turn, it'll give us that internal happiness. Well, as a mother, a daughter, a wife, a coach, a leader, when anyone that I'm helping isn't Happy, it doesn't mean that I should be unhappy with them. If anything, I'm gonna pour out more of my happiness To them. Provide them with my compassion, my words, my energy to support them. And I hear that from moms all the time. I mean, I have 2 now my boys as I'm recording this, my boys have left the house. And when I check-in, if I hear the tone of voice, I immediately think, oh, no. Maybe they're not happy. And if they're not, It's okay. Because in that moment, I can think about that I could be happy that I'm just listening to their voice. Instead of going into a spin or this worry that they're not gonna be okay, 

We can control those feelings and thoughts by redirecting these external and also internal. And the 3rd part of happiness, What have I experienced through my life as well as my clients and all of these women, common denominator was support. When we reached out to one another about what we felt, This happiness or unhappiness or feeling stuck or these expectations, we actually started to acknowledge Allowed and had this self acceptance that I wasn't in a good place, or maybe I was in a good place. By observing and having this commonality, we immediately started to see shifts within us. We knew that we'd be okay if there were days that we were not happy and moments of Feeling that we felt stuck, but we knew that we were all shifting and moving in the right direction.

Because I said this pursuit of happiness isn't actually the goal. It's moving At once, all of us, it was like we locked arms and said, we'll get through it. You know? Even if someone was a few steps behind us or Wherever we were in this journey, we had this realization, and it was beautiful because then we were able to tap into This built in resource. And then we shared what we were doing, And it became this common bond. 1, we weren't alone. 

As I said, that you'll learn something from this podcast that you won't have to do this alone. And that you do have everything inside of you, sometimes you're just not aware it's there. And then have that community support. Training yourself in a different thought pattern. Training yourself to feel and know you're okay even if there's days that you don't have all this happiness, you know, jumping out of you. And as I mentioned in this podcast, it's called exercise your happiness. You're exercising this ability, Training your brain, sharing, being vulnerable, going through the pain, Learning how to become this repetitive human being of doing things and habits so that you can now reenergize yourself. 

Which leads me into 3 simple things that you can do right now. Number 1, Journal. I know. You're rolling your eyes. I don't like to journal. Stop saying that, but it is truly a fact that you can take whatever's going on in your mind and put it on paper To start feeling better. Metacognition. Take all of the thoughts. It doesn't matter what you're thinking. Write them down. There's a second part to that. Every 30 days, go back and read it because I am sure you will be letting me know That the things that you struggled with then are no longer existing, and you'll start to see much improvement within your life. 

Number 2, exercise. Go out into nature, Whether it's for quick walk to the mailbox or a lengthy walk around a park, get outside in nature and start Opening up your eyes and your ears to what is around you. Listen to the quietness. 

Number 3. At the end of your day, start writing down what you are thankful and Maybe have a gratitude journal, whichever one you wanna call it. It doesn't matter what the choices that you made, whether you felt that they were good or bad. There's no judgment. Maybe it was that you got up early. Thank yourself. I'm grateful that I'm here with my pen and paper to write that I'm grateful. I feel my chest beating. I just put my kids to bed. My son just called me. Whatever it may be, Be grateful that you ended your day the way you did. 

And remember this. Your happiness is worth the exercise.